i wonder how many times i’ll keep doing this to myself. always burning myself to the max so i can force my mind to conquer matter. except that when my mind is tired, what is conquering what? in the end i still lose.

on another note, read the cross and the switchblade. the way God worked was amazing. it’s ps david wilkerson’s testimony of how God brought him from a quiet church in the mountains to the rough and raw new york streets to help youths from the slums who were trapped in all kinds of vices and eventually ending up at the wrong side of the law. though there was much discouragement through his endeavours, God really poured out His grace and it’s truly when we step aside that He becomes great. after reading that book though, for the first time in a long while, i caught a glimpse of the person that i used to be before i got together with my ex. a part of me really hated myself for getting together and yet a part of me told me i couldn’t just abandon him like that. of course with all my mistaken messianic intentions, i stayed in relationship which made me depressed. i felt so powerless to speak about God and my beliefs because i felt i was not doing what pleased Him. and i’d stayed that way, self-condemned for 2 years.

no more no more! my life is His and i’m grateful it is (: (: He loves the ex, He loves all the people that irritate me the most, He loves all the people who judged me and He loves me, with all my imperfections.

heh. interestingly, stuff has been happening at the workplace. and i’ve had to mull over certain choices to maKe. it’s always useful to bear consequences in mind and compare it against my ideal of what things should be (: gah. sleepy already. gdnight (:

haha, i know i’m super outdated. friend just introed this song to me. v catchy. enjoy!

work has been overwhelming in recent weeks. or rather things to do, at work and in church.. or maybe i’m running away from what i should be doing by seeking solace in work.

sigh. drawing boundaries with people takes much hard work and discipline. it’s easier to keep putting it off and throwing myself into work where i feel as if i am in better control (though in recent times i’ve been increasingly proven i’m not).

ok. shall not whine. i choose to be disciplined where it matters. to Him, to my family, to who i am in Him. tyj for your grace.

oh what needless pain we bear
all because we do not carry
everything to God in prayer

and contented (:

had an enjoyable bmm last night. minor hiccups here and there but so far it went well. learnt the value of seeing God at your workplace and how we all are like Esther, placed at specific places/vocations/relationships for a divine purpose.

need sleeeeeeep. *zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

truth is i need to be more meticulous. probably not an energy thing. sigh

if you knew you would die the next day, how would you live today?

(:

comes in many forms. and it’s so easy to let it seep into all parts of life.

not sure when, but i’ve become afraid of being in close relationships. with guys, girls, church friends, anyone. can’t seem to trust/be open/vulnerable to anyone. The “blamer” in me would say it’s because everyone i’ve been close to has let me down/everyone i’ve trusted has been disappointing. then again, it’s not true right? i’m sure i disappoint them too.

so much for knowledge. knowing this is a fallen world never alleviates the pain involved in living in this world. but the salve never fails and his restoring grace is amazing.

here’s to a blessed weekend and a great week ahead (:

my ace once said to me that though he highly favoured my ability to value-add, he/the panel had doubts that i’d be able to do the hard thing in negotiations with other colleagues/working partners.

today, i’m experienced what the “hard thing” was. strangely not at work, but more in church. guess it’s harder to rebuke a friend than a stranger.

but tis all good. sitting in shineforth, God reminded me about humility and not succumbing to just a one-sided view on things. it is better for us to humble ourselves before Him than wait for Him to have to humble us. you know what i mean? (: also really grateful for advice from my dad/parents, considering all  they’re going through right now.

You are Sovereign. tyj for everything <3

Can you stop smsing daddy and mummy if you have nothing good to say? You only think about how YOU feel. How do you think THEY feel? How can you claim to understand God’s love when you cannot understand daddy and mummy’s love for you? If you really are living for God, and daddy and mummy are now your enemies, shouldn’t you try to love them even more? If your pastor is silly enough to encourage you in the demeaning way you treat your parents, he should get his own spiritual life checked.

Didn’t send it out as I think she knows that the only basis for all her hurting statements is her “self”. She uses Christianity as her cover, but the true root of her discontent is her “self”. sigh. I’m not a very compassionate sister at all. Gd thing I have a twinge of self-control

met up with so many people today. think i really really lost my social skills when my tendon snapped. i can no longer relate to them in the same way i did before my phase of exile during my injury and recuperation period.

sigh. strangely, i am happy being alone. at least, i guess, with God, my dog and parents. hm. maybe it was just the company? maybe i’m too close-minded? maybe i’m too critical? maybe i’m just a b****? maybe i just need to give it a rest la.

1 Thessalonians 4:11-12, “ Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody.”

In other news, my parents went on a stakeout of the suspected location where my sis was staying. They apparently rang the doorbell and hid at the stairwell to see if the door would open. Guess what? It did and my sister saw them. She was furious and slammed the door shut, thereafter sending 6-7 smses threatening my parents that she could sue them for harrassment. My parents’ gentle reply was that they wanted to know if she had enough $$ to pay for bills and that they could pay to buy a house for my sister and me to live in so she didn’t have to spend on rental. I hate being trapped in the middle