+ What I am > What I do +

when is someone really tired or just plain lazy?

i keep saying i’m too tired to do anything significantly energy exertive and meaningful, cause if i do, it’d be meaningless since i can’t throw myself into it. but what if i’m really just being lazy and not wanting to get into something that could spend me in case i don’t reap what i expect to get.

hmmmmmmm. “Is Jesus just a memory, or a transforming presence in my life? And how do we move from one to the other?”

http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001619.cfm

is impt for personal growth. as a person, as a christian (they shouldn’t be separate), and in everyday life.

san si er xing!

it’s so hard to receive His grace. even though it’s the vital step to growth.

it’s hard to surrender, to just trust and obey. to trust Him with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding.

i feel as if i’m tethering at the edge of a deep valley, one that leads to somewhere glorious, yet i don’t want to give up this current lukewarm comfortable lifestyle that numbs me from feeling as God does for people.

His grace still covers me, and yes He still loves me, but my life has lost its meaning and purpose. i feel almost invisible some days.

i think it’s time to step off the edge. i want to step off the edge. i want to live a transformed life, i want to be engaged in the beautiful fight.

that have struck me of late -

On what it truly means to love with His love:
John 12:23-26> Jesus replied, “The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me.

On being watchful for the end times:
Luke 21:34-35> “Be careful, or your hearts will be weighed down with dissipation, drunkenness and the anxieties of life, and that day will close on you unexpectedly like a trap. For it will come upon all those who live on the face of the whole earth.

On my personal ambitions:
1 Thess 4:11-12> Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody.

TYJ for your love, gentleness and grace. You are God in heaven and here am i on earth.

Colossians 3:23-24 >
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.

I love You Lord
and I lift my voice
To worship You
O my soul, rejoice!

Take joy, my King
in what you hear
May it be a sweet, sweet sound
in Your ear.

Ecclesiastes 5:2 >
Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few.

when she agrees to attend, i feel relieved and happy, instead of vexed and angry. I guess all this while i keep thinking it takes everyone to be committed for sth to work. but it’s not neccesarily so, right?

hmmm. sigh. her working style really takes getting used to. it’s like giving in to a kid because of his/her immaturity

i wonder how many times i’ll keep doing this to myself. always burning myself to the max so i can force my mind to conquer matter. except that when my mind is tired, what is conquering what? in the end i still lose.

on another note, read the cross and the switchblade. the way God worked was amazing. it’s ps david wilkerson’s testimony of how God brought him from a quiet church in the mountains to the rough and raw new york streets to help youths from the slums who were trapped in all kinds of vices and eventually ending up at the wrong side of the law. though there was much discouragement through his endeavours, God really poured out His grace and it’s truly when we step aside that He becomes great. after reading that book though, for the first time in a long while, i caught a glimpse of the person that i used to be before i got together with my ex. a part of me really hated myself for getting together and yet a part of me told me i couldn’t just abandon him like that. of course with all my mistaken messianic intentions, i stayed in relationship which made me depressed. i felt so powerless to speak about God and my beliefs because i felt i was not doing what pleased Him. and i’d stayed that way, self-condemned for 2 years.

no more no more! my life is His and i’m grateful it is (: (: He loves the ex, He loves all the people that irritate me the most, He loves all the people who judged me and He loves me, with all my imperfections.

heh. interestingly, stuff has been happening at the workplace. and i’ve had to mull over certain choices to maKe. it’s always useful to bear consequences in mind and compare it against my ideal of what things should be (: gah. sleepy already. gdnight (:

haha, i know i’m super outdated. friend just introed this song to me. v catchy. enjoy!

work has been overwhelming in recent weeks. or rather things to do, at work and in church.. or maybe i’m running away from what i should be doing by seeking solace in work.

sigh. drawing boundaries with people takes much hard work and discipline. it’s easier to keep putting it off and throwing myself into work where i feel as if i am in better control (though in recent times i’ve been increasingly proven i’m not).

ok. shall not whine. i choose to be disciplined where it matters. to Him, to my family, to who i am in Him. tyj for your grace.

oh what needless pain we bear
all because we do not carry
everything to God in prayer

and contented (:

had an enjoyable bmm last night. minor hiccups here and there but so far it went well. learnt the value of seeing God at your workplace and how we all are like Esther, placed at specific places/vocations/relationships for a divine purpose.

need sleeeeeeep. *zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.