+ What I am > What I do +

gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

truth is i need to be more meticulous. probably not an energy thing. sigh

if you knew you would die the next day, how would you live today?

(:

comes in many forms. and it’s so easy to let it seep into all parts of life.

not sure when, but i’ve become afraid of being in close relationships. with guys, girls, church friends, anyone. can’t seem to trust/be open/vulnerable to anyone. The “blamer” in me would say it’s because everyone i’ve been close to has let me down/everyone i’ve trusted has been disappointing. then again, it’s not true right? i’m sure i disappoint them too.

so much for knowledge. knowing this is a fallen world never alleviates the pain involved in living in this world. but the salve never fails and his restoring grace is amazing.

here’s to a blessed weekend and a great week ahead (:

my ace once said to me that though he highly favoured my ability to value-add, he/the panel had doubts that i’d be able to do the hard thing in negotiations with other colleagues/working partners.

today, i’m experienced what the “hard thing” was. strangely not at work, but more in church. guess it’s harder to rebuke a friend than a stranger.

but tis all good. sitting in shineforth, God reminded me about humility and not succumbing to just a one-sided view on things. it is better for us to humble ourselves before Him than wait for Him to have to humble us. you know what i mean? (: also really grateful for advice from my dad/parents, considering all  they’re going through right now.

You are Sovereign. tyj for everything <3

Can you stop smsing daddy and mummy if you have nothing good to say? You only think about how YOU feel. How do you think THEY feel? How can you claim to understand God’s love when you cannot understand daddy and mummy’s love for you? If you really are living for God, and daddy and mummy are now your enemies, shouldn’t you try to love them even more? If your pastor is silly enough to encourage you in the demeaning way you treat your parents, he should get his own spiritual life checked.

Didn’t send it out as I think she knows that the only basis for all her hurting statements is her “self”. She uses Christianity as her cover, but the true root of her discontent is her “self”. sigh. I’m not a very compassionate sister at all. Gd thing I have a twinge of self-control

met up with so many people today. think i really really lost my social skills when my tendon snapped. i can no longer relate to them in the same way i did before my phase of exile during my injury and recuperation period.

sigh. strangely, i am happy being alone. at least, i guess, with God, my dog and parents. hm. maybe it was just the company? maybe i’m too close-minded? maybe i’m too critical? maybe i’m just a b****? maybe i just need to give it a rest la.

1 Thessalonians 4:11-12, “ Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody.”

In other news, my parents went on a stakeout of the suspected location where my sis was staying. They apparently rang the doorbell and hid at the stairwell to see if the door would open. Guess what? It did and my sister saw them. She was furious and slammed the door shut, thereafter sending 6-7 smses threatening my parents that she could sue them for harrassment. My parents’ gentle reply was that they wanted to know if she had enough $$ to pay for bills and that they could pay to buy a house for my sister and me to live in so she didn’t have to spend on rental. I hate being trapped in the middle

Been jolted several times the past couple weeks re faith. 

Recevied constant reminders on how it’s so hard to have faith, to keep my eyes on Him and not on me. And, how easily I forget this huge weakness. First at Uncle Peng Sum’s talk, during my waking moments, then at Fri cell.. (:

Faith ranked second last in my spiritual gifts’ test before. It’s just not in my nature to let go I suppose. But, let go I must/will, if it’s what God wants me to do.

Other news, been lobing Lenka! Quirky and happy music. Good for late night correspondence with Cyntax Enjoy! -

haven’t written anything here for so long…

let’s see, brief update of the month of Feb till now in no particular order :

1. watched Slumdog Millionaire, liked it.

2. scared my physio with my swollen foot cause she thought i re-snapped the achilles tendon. it was an overstrain though, cause i resumed normal acitivities without first strengthening my legs.

3. downloaded lotsa music from my cd collection into work computer.

4. had/still having a crazy workload of presentations, research, papers, then more papers and soon presentataions

5. didn’t exercise much, so legs still pretty small in mass. think this is the hardest time i’ve ever had getting myself to go exercise.

6. it’s been 1 year since mas selamat escaped. which is also 1 year since the trauma. you know all the murderous thoughts i keep having? there’s one word for them – unforgiveness. and the problem with this spirit is it makes me easily angered, this i realised only when sth happened at work when we were negotiating with an external party. went for my first holy communion in a long while (since i didn’t go when i was injured), and made the conscious decision with God, to forgive. cause of His grace, who am i to hold this grudge right? (:

7. parents got an updated address of my sister. they were very excited, and went to the place to check out the locale. mummy was especially excited, was in 2 minds on whether to buy my sister a portable aircon since her rented room didn’t seem to have any aircon from the outside.

8. cell girls have been leading each other in cell, with some help from us. but, they’ve been really enthu and it’s so heartening to see that (: tyj.

9. grown increasingly convinced that communication is hard work. really really hard work.

10. been speaking more chinese than i ever had in several years. haha. might get sabo-ed to visit china delegates sometime in the future. heh.

that’s abt it (: haha. and i’m really happy these days, i don’t know how to explain it, but i guess i’m contented. not because i actually got anything i’ve been wanting for years – more intelligent, more eloquent, more kind, had more friends etc – but i’m just glad i’m the way God made me. haha. i dunno la. random thought (:

the more i realise my communication sucks, in real person, in presentation at least. haha.

i should just be a hermit and send out letters ever so infrequently. haha.

ok. off to walk mint mint, the world’s bestest fantabulousest doggie (: (: (:

no prizes for correct guesses (:

to follow up from the last post, murderous thoughts are like mental swearwords.

the more you swear in your mind, the easier it is for you to blurt it out. the more murderous the thoughts, the less your ability to speak the language of love, the more the tendency to violence.

heh. sidenote. i dun understand the uk tax system